The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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