life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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