you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
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