just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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