Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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