Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
