dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
