You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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