Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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