Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
the liver wants what the liver wants
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize