i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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