The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
