He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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