I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
