there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
