Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
