Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize