O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
