she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
