my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
