So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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