He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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