i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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