We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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