What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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