If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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