how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Drunk is a universal language darling
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
