I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
