matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
