You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
