You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
