farters have to be the big spoon...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
