I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
