At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
