Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
