You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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