Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
