I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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