my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
