I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Four minutes until I can fart!
She's the barista slut.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize