So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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