I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
