I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
