On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
