Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
