I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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