shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
