I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
