I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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