i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
