Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
