She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize