Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
