My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
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