So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
