The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
