Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
