Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
