I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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