im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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