I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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