your parents love me but you hate me
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize