just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
