I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize