I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
