you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
